Thursday, July 31, 2008

I hate Andruw Jones.

If you are a Dodger fan, then you probably know how terrifyingly awful Andruw Jones has been this season. You have probably heard that his batting average is .167 and that he strikes out every 2.7 at bats. More than likey you have counted up all the zeros in his salary and wondered whether that many shots of tequila would be enough to obliterate the whole painful situation from memory. It probably would not be, and your hangover wouldn't even approach Ned Coletti's headache.

Maybe you are one of those people who had high hopes when the Dodgers signed Jones last summer. You thought to yourself, "Ok, he had a bad year in 2007, but he still hit 26 home runs. He is Andruw Jones, he'll bounce back. He hit 51 in 2005. That's alot. He's only 31. He has 10 Gold Gloves and is a 5-time allstar. $36.2 million over two years is probably too much, but he's Andruw Jones. Juan Pierre can't even throw the ball to second base." You became warily starry-eyed, willing to set aside a troubling trend in hopes of a return to glory. You overlooked the fact that you had always disliked Andruw Jones and his lackadaisical-looking, one-handed basket catches and smug little smiles. You were even willing to glimmer over that bulging waistline (as long as that heft's in Dodger Blue right! Right?...)

Well, things are even worse than they seemed. Much worse.

Jones has a VORP of -14.6.

(VORP stands for "Value Over Replacement Player." The number basically represents the number of total offense above or below the level that an average replacement--most likely from the minor leagues--could reasonably be expected to produce.)

Jones salary for the 2008 season is $14,726,910. In essence the Dodgers are playing him $1,008,692 for every negative run his presence on the field costs the team as opposed to throwing some adequate minor leaguer out there. I suppose to make the numbers fair in terms of cost you would have to subtract $390,000 (the minimum MLB salary of the replacement player) from the total, but I don't really feel like being fair. Especially since Jones does not play over some adequate minor leaguer. When Andruw Jones plays, Andre Ethier sits. Ethier has a VORP of 10.1 (notice that this is a positive number). Therefore, the actual number of diminished offense everytime Andruw Jones is on the field is -24.7.

24.7 runs over the course of a season is no small thing. 24.7 runs over the course of a season could very realistically cost the Dodgers their division.

Small Victory

She is wearing a bright orange sweater and black slacks.
She makes some sort of comment about how my brown leather shoes don't match my khaki slacks and light blue shirt.
"Did Halloween come a little early this year?" I ask.
(Side note: holiday dress on normal days is usual fare for this woman. She has a pair of red crocs dotted with snowmen that she wears regularly. In July.)
A few minutes later she is at the snack island. She asks me if I would like a piece of candy.
I say Sure.
"What's the magic word?" she says, dangling the chocolate in front of me.
"Trick or Treat?" I ask.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Female Dwight just became frustrated at her computer and used the phrase - "Son of a Camel!"
I am currently mulling over what exactly this phrase means.
Today's Big Thing was a little girl climbing up inside of a stuffed animal claw machine. Pretty awesome. Just thought you should know.

Monday, July 14, 2008

A Day Sometime in June

I am sitting at my desk. My computer has just booted up. I hear Dwightina stomping up the stairs. She walks like a wooly mammoth. I hear her stop behind me. I ignore her and keep typing. "What's up Banana Boy?" Dwightina says. I am wearing a muted yellow polo shirt, I assume this is what she is talking about. I swivel slowly around in my chair. She is standing in front of me wearing bright orange Crocs, blue jeans with rhinestone designs on the pockets, and a white tee-shirt with a picture of a race car on the front and the words "I Live By the Quarter Mile." Our company has a business casual dress code. Dwightina's outfit is especially bad for her, but not unprecedented.
"Um, white tee-shirt?" I say.
"No, I mean that is just a very bright shirt you have there."
"Um, white tee-shirt?"
"Very preppy."
This time I just point at her shirt. She looks down, and then back at me blankly. I swivel back to my computer screen.

I get a phone call from a nurse at the Hospital.
"Good morning, How can I help y..."
"Our fax machine in ICU is eating paper and making a screaming noise. We need somebody over here STAT."
STAT she says. I want to tell her that she is not a doctor. Don't tell me STAT unless you have a PhD. You are a nurse. Doctors tell you that. It's not a term you get to throw around with me.

12:00 - 1:00
I buy a sandwich from Subway and then wander aimlessly in Borders.

1:00 - 5:00
Nothing much happens in the afternoon. Sometimes the phone rings. The air-conditioner switches on. A little while later it shuts off. I mostly pass the time with random Google searches. Did you know that Hyenas give birth through their urethra? Apparently it is one of the most painful experiences that any living thing experiences. I feel pity for a few seconds; then I remember how annoying Whoopi Goldberg's character was in The Lion King, and I'm back to hating Hyenas.